Wednesday, March 14, 2012

7 Facebook Personas We Could All Do Without

Facebook Personas
Facebook does not operate with the same social norms of face to face human interaction.  Thus parasitic personas have risen to the surface that six years ago would have been stifled by simply saying "Larry, are you seriously expressing your emotions in Coldplay lyrics right now?" or "Devon--if you hi-five yourself one more time after making a joke I'm going to break your hand off".  

This is the world we live in....

1) The guy who likes his own status.

This type of guy is subtly the most irritating persona on the web.  Liking your own status is like wearing a t-shirt for your own band.  Of course, you like your own status—otherwise you would not have posted it!  However, this does not mean that you should give yourself a thumbs-up like an ass clown.  Look, my dog can lick her own privates but I still look her right in the eyes when I catch her doing this and say “a bit indulgent, don’t you think?” 

2) BFF’s (who love to advertise their best friendship)

This persona is the joint effort of two people who, throughout the day, write on each other’s walls.  These people clutter and dumb down news feeds with the sustained fury of a caffeinated Rush Limbaugh.  The content of their posts range from inspirational memes, to ludicrous spring break plans—which usually leads to one friend declaring to the other: “we need to have a SKYPE DATE to discuss the plans and quotes I posted on your wall earlier!!!!”  90% of the time these two people are roommates and could have had the exact same conversation in person, in a matter of minutes…but where is the social validation in that?

3) The Guy who inexplicably posts rap lyrics 

I could be wrong, but I am willing to guess this guy has never sold drugs or broken a hundred dollar bill on anything besides a pack of skittles.  Likewise, I doubt they will ever develop enough respect to be deserving of being referred to in the Spanish formal tense.  These dudes usually have girlfriends and yet their posts consistently refer to woman negatively.  As long as the message is delivered under the guise of a rap lyric—all is well.

4) The Political Pusher
Politics should only be discussed—with any type of intensity—after a couple of beverages.  This type of person constantly jams up the news feed with articles from obscure publications and quotes from their favorite presidents (only on slow news days).  Usually they end their posts with some sort of call to action like “Get out and Vote!” or “What are you doing about reducing your carbon footprint?????”

5) The obsessive/aggressive sports fan
Everyone has a friend like this.  They are not fun to watch the game with in person, but it is entertaining to watch them chronicle their aggression on the social airwaves.  If the Packers are playing, they will post after every offensive play that progresses over 6 yards. “Niccce cut Ryan Grant”.  The support is kosher but this type of person will flip on a moments notice as soon as someone drops a pass or the ref blows a call (so really anything that negatively effects his team’s efforts). “Roughing the passer Are you f*cking kidding me? The NFL is for p*ssies.”

6) The guy/girl who posts song lyrics to describe their mood

The difference between the rap lyric poster and this type of persona is that the lyrics are actually applicable to a person’s current state.  That does not, however, make them any less annoying.  As a rule of thumb I try to avoid referencing Ke$ha when summing up my struggles with the opposite sex—and John Mayer for that matter.   

7) The asshole that is always trying to get you to read his blog

This person might actually be the worst type of person on the web.  They are generally arrogant and misguided.  Their ego is artificially swollen into believing that anybody would want to read their take on anything.  Where was their authority derived from?  Where do they get off thinking that anyone would actually want to read their take on something like credit cards, or Facebook personas? Fuck this person.  :) 

Thanks for reading ;)