Sunday, November 6, 2011

The Analog Apocalypse (Part 1)

Steve Jobs is to Jesus as Bono is to Peter.  Keep it moving Bono, in the name of love.

The analog apocalypse is here. I keep having this dream where Steve Jobs is actually this millenniums Jesus Christ figure. In the dream Jobs pulls out his IPhone from heaven and sends out a video text only to Iphone owners. He tells them that a new world is in order and those who believe in the devices that he has created have been chosen to represent the future of the human race. His demands of the masses are simple, "loot all the modern digital devices you can and meet me in Times Square". 
Over the next six hours IPhone owners begin to pillage the earth until it is washed clean of all modern digital devices and then begin to storm the city of New York. The crowd becomes progressively dense as the Iphone owners wait for Jobs with great anticipation. 
"Look! It’s Him," shouts a pompous IPhone owner as the crowd looks up to the sky to see Jobs in the flesh.
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 Jobs descends from the sky wearing his finest black silk turtleneck, designer jeans, and a pair of heaven-white Adidas all-stars. His body is kept afloat by a hovering, gold plated IPad that stores a list of names of those who will be joining him in the new world. Without hesitation and in a near simultaneous fashion, the Apple brand identifiers utilize the "Flashlight" app on their phones to illuminate the darkened sky as Jobs cuts through the horizon on his golden Ipad before landing on the mound of digital devices. 
Jobs delivers a brief manifesto about his vision for a new world that is based on social connectivity, pure entertainment, and the future of technology. He states that his efforts have gone unnoticed on earth by those who have ignored his digital movement. At this point he sets a blaze to the mountain of digital devices he has perched himself on and turns his golden IPad into a fleet of IPad hovercrafts. He announces, "MacHeads--the digital rapture is here and you have been saved. Join me in the new world". With Jobs leading the way the crowd members jump on their newly issued hovercrafts that are powered by the heat of the souls trapped inside the analog hell on earth and ascend back into the sky. 
Me and the other people left behind are forced to live in a world free of apple products and the digital infrastructure that Jobs created during his life. The analog reality is bleak. Our reality is reduced to buying music from the Microsoft Zune market place (Joan Osbourne's "what if god was one of us becomes the number 1 song in the country in matter of days) , printing out map quest directions, and trolling AOL instant messenger looking for social get togethers--literally hell on earth. 
Then I wake up from my dream soaked in a pool of manic sweat. I turn over and look at my Samsung flip phone (circa 2005) and feel a sharp pain of emptiness. Then the tag line from the popular Iphone advertisement, that stars no actual people but just the device itself, begins to play in my head. "If you don't have an IPhone...then, well, you don't have an IPhone".

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