Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Male Tandem Floats Down Wolf River Unscathed. Bro-mantic Triumph.

Male Tandem Floats Down Wolf River Without Being Brutally Mauled!

NEW LONDON—Historically, New London, Wisconsin is known solely for its disproportionate cattle-to-citizen ratio but the editors of their Wikipedia page will need to rewrite the opening paragraph to include the heroic act of two 23-year old males on June 16th.  Unknowingly, Brett Scarbok and Michael Bradford made history yesterday, as they became the first male-tandem to float down the Wolf River without being brutally mauled--both physically and verbally--by the packs of traditional tubing groups.

Lazy river tubing at its best involves a co-ed caravan of young adults drinking an excess amount of libations until everyone loses enough inhibition to partake in an impromptu skinny dipping session, leading to some questionable underwater indiscretions.  Worse case scenario, no girls show up and the event turns into a bi-lingual bro-fest with lots of beer bongs, misogynistic chanting, and homoerotic activity, all of which is permissible because of memory-altering BACs.  Brett and Michael evaded the wrath of these common lazy river participants, breaking the status quo.

“I sent a mass feeler text the night before, hoping to get a large group of people together but Michael is the only one who responded.  We grabbed a thirty of Key Stone Ice, hopped in my ford focus and went to the river.  The decision was simple—it was hot out and we wanted to drink and float” said Brett on how the event came together. 

Wolf River Campground owner Lenver Westwood has managed the property and tubing service since the late 90’s.  “Oh boy, since we started recording police calls and property damage in 2004 no male tandem has made it safely to the end checkpoint without a punctured tube or a deflated sense of self-confidence.  I don’t know what it is…the alcohol, the sun, or a combination of both but these kids are brutal to each other.  They throw stones, chant obscenities, and at times, assault one another.”  Recently, Westwood has begun posting signs in the rental areas that discourage tandem male tubing.

Bro-mances have always been thumbed at with snarky suspicion.  Two males cannot enjoy a recreational activity like sharing a mo-ped ride to the local CVS, taking a tandem bike for a jaunt in the park, or splitting a much to large for one entrĂ©e at Chili’s—no matter how practical or functional—without being ridiculed in some way.  On the heels of president Obama’s decision to publicly support gay marriage, perhaps an unintentional paradigm shift has occurred in the collective consciousness: same sex relationships—physical or plutonic—are progressively becoming more accepted. 

Jerrod Tinsley, a fellow river go-er offered up another opinion “Really?  I remember seeing that group but there was definitely a girl with the taller man.  She had long hair, a pair of shades on, and asymmetrical breasts that she—for some reason—felt comfortable exposing.  If I would have known they were dudes, I would have swam over to them and punctured their tubes with my bottle opener in the name of heterosexuality. Its called MAN-ifest Destiny for a reason bruh.”

Was the brave quest of Michael and Brett the biggest victory for bro-mantic relationships since the country begun to accept Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong’s insatiable thirst for running shirtless down Venice Beach and subsequently showering the sand out of each other’s crevices…. or was it merely a coincidence?  The result remains to be determined.

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