Sunday, August 26, 2012

Black Keys and Will.I.Am Form Super Group: Black Eyed Keys

Black Keys and Will.I.Am Form Super Group: Black Eyed Keys

 The Black Keys are just about everywhere these days.  It is impossible to be coaxed into a buying a car, a meat-lovers pizza, or a soft drink without Dan Aeurbach cramming a bluesy guitar rift down your throat. Gold on the ceiling….it’s just matter of time before you drive a Kia.  In a generation where music listeners have gravitated towards synthesized pop and ringtone rap, Dan and his drummer Patrick Kearny have become nostalgic representations of what Rock Stars used to be. Unfortunately, there is no room for Rock Stars on the radio anymore unless they have been vetted by a 6-month American Idol stint.  Although widely successful, the Black Keys have an insatiable thirst for more exposure—a thirst, that cannot be quenched with a 30 second Sprite ad during March Madness.

In dramatic fashion, the duo has decided to merge with the Black Eyed Peas to form a transcendent super group called the Black Eyed Keys.  “Dan and I have always been about the music and looking good in a way that says we don’t give a fuck.  We always liked the idea of being understated and content with an anarchist approach to our style and music.  Of course, not giving a fuck has limited our ability to achieve crazy success…we can’t get the radio to play our shit! Then I saw the 2011 Super Bowl halftime show and I looked at Dan and was like this is it.  This is what we need. Fireworks. Shoulder spikes. Glitter. Lots of fucking glitter. It was at that moment we realized that the Black Keys needed a makeover that only BEP could provide. The merger will push us into the U2 zone, both in terms of ticket prices, and ability to cure AIDS first. The race is on Bono” Patrick said in an interview with Rolling Stone.

In 2009, the Black Keys won a VMA for their song Tighten Up and MTV mistakently sent them a trophy embossed with BEP’s name on it.  “At first I was pissed.  I wanted to beat the braids of Will-I-Am with it but then I realized it was not his fault.  MTV needs to stop pretending to be in the music business and stick to glamorizing birthing children as teenagers.  I have nothing but respect for Will-I-Am’s talent” Auerbach said in response to the mix up. 
Will.I.Am will be working full-time with both Patrick and Dan to improve their image and ability to captivate the attention of the masses. “I am very grateful for the opportunity to turn a seedy grunge band like the Black Keys into a global sensation.  With the right amount of theatrics, songs with onomatopoeia instead of lyrics, and my maternal relationship with Oprah, I believe this will be a lucrative opportunity for the both of us. Watch out world! Boom Boom Pow!” said Will-I-Am about the group’s merger.  The Black Keys have long been plagued by Auerbach’s misogynistic lyrics about heartbreak, which has alienated a potential female fan base.  Nevertheless, a timely appearance on the Harpo network or perhaps a private concert for single mothers ailing with lupus could be the cure all. The intangible value of having Oprah on speed dial cannot be put into words.
Fergie could not be reached for comment and it is unclear at this time if she will be a part of the project.  Regardless, the music world has changed forever.  The Black Eyed Keys self-titled album will be released this coming fall.

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